If I were friends with Kim Kardashian, she’d always be dragging me to The Geisha House even though I’d tell her a million times that there are way better sushi places in town that are much cheaper. But she’d insist and then I’d have to listen to her complain about how the receptionist at the electrolysis place was really mean and I’d be like, “I’m having a pretty bad day, today, too. My cat got hit by a car this morning…” and she’d be all, “That reminds me that I have to pick up my fur coat from the cleaners but it’s all the way in Ventura County.”
Then, she’d start touching up her makeup, mid-meal, and I’d think, Has she ever eaten anything that hasn’t tasted like lip gloss? Then, she’d text Reggie for 18 minutes straight and I’d start to say, “Kim, you’re married” but then I’d remember that she’s not anymore so I’d just kind of pick at all the sashimi she ordered, even though I’d be more in the mood for Thai but try getting Kim to eat anything else but sushi, EVER.
Then, Kourtney and Khloe would show up and Khloe would be all like, “YOU GUYS ARE FAT SUSHI WHORES” and I’d give Kim this look like, “Here we go…” but she wouldn’t notice because she’d be Tweeting on her Blackberry about how sushi is really good and then Khloe would be like, “LET’S GIVE EACH OTHER PAP SMEARS” and she’d start pulling down Kourtney’s jeggings right in the middle of the restaurant. Everyone would laugh except for me because, it’s like, I’m eating, you know? Kim wouldn’t laugh, either, because she’d be too busy taking a picture of herself next to a plate of sushi to go along with the tweet she just posted about how sushi is really good.
Then, when dinner’s finally over, Kim would put on more makeup and a different outfit, turn to the camera and say, “Tonight was really fun. I love sushi.” And, even though I’d be annoyed with her, I’d still be like, “Thanks for inviting me out, Kim” but she’d already be on to the next scene.